Nancymarie’s House

Today was grocery day and we paid a couple bills, too. Empath is on day 3 of a 9 day stretch. We went to Sobey’s and bought what we needed, plus a few things we didn’t. At the check-out, I waved at a little boy (about 1 y/o) at the aisle beside me. He smiled and showed me his rubber ball. He sorta tossed the ball at me and it ended up in a basket on the floor. I picked it up and handed it back to him. This started a 5 minute game of catch between us. He was a great kid and both of us had some fun. His mom even gave us her air miles and the gas coupon from her groceries.

Being outside felt great to me. I’m usually in the basement, getting cold. It was sunny, windy and just under 30*C. I wanted to mow the front lawn, but gave up after running around. Empath is thinking about taking vacation in September. We’re supposed to have rain any day, but it’s holding off. I predict we’ll get a downpour to cancel Regatta next Wednesday.

As for weird health issues, I’ve had a bad split under my middle, left foot toe. I don’t know what causes it; it just happens sometimes when I stretch out my toes. This one was under the toes at the base where it meets the foot. Usually, the splits occur between my toes. I tried googling for info, but nothing useful came up. The best I can do for it is slather some ointment on it and keep it clean.

Empath and I rented some movies tonight to go with our pizza. Watchmen was in, so we grabbed it. I have never read the comics. I know nothing about this universe.

So we put it in and right away, I’m turned off with the Bob Dylan song. I hate Bob Dylan. The movie is going okay until the flashbacks happen. Which one is relevant to the plot? NONE! The fucking scene is also pointless. That’s when I learn this is the director’s cut, which explains why all this useless exposition is boring me to tears. Oh I had heard so much about The Big Blue Penis, yet it only appears twice. The rest of the time, Manhattan is either in his thong or filmed from the waist up.Rorschach is the only character worth paying attention to for the simple reasoning that all the action centers around him.

IMO, Watchmen is horrible. Don’t bother wasting money to rent it.

The last couple of days I haven’t said much on Twitter. Today, as with all Sundays on Twitter, it was slow as molasses, so I decided to liven things up by tweeting for an hour. I sent 42 tweets in that time. At 7 tweets in, I said:

“If you think my twittering is excessive, try following @Luke__Skywalker or @Matt_LRR. Now those 2 don’t shut up.”

Matt probably never saw it, but Luke did and it got his knickers in a twist. I guess I should have put the sarcasm tag in there. I don’t follow either of them, but a couple people that I follow (and they follow me) do follow them and have said how annoying it is to have up to 3 pages of tweets from just one of them. If you doubt my word, check them out yourself. Anyway, Luke felt it was me calling the kettle black (and so do some of his followers) when others see the sarcasm (especially those who do follow Luke). I didn’t see the @Zyxst Luke sent because I don’t follow him – Twitter doesn’t like me seeing and @ replies to me regardless of who says it. I couldn’t help myself, so I sent 5 tweets specifically at Luke because he pissed me off. If his whole `family` gets on my ass over it, I won`t see it.

“@Luke__Skywalker This is the most I’ve tweeted since signing up last February. Can you say the same?” (Is September; I slagged through all my tweets to find out).

“@Luke__Skywalker BTW, I *don’t* follow you, not because of your excessive tweeting, but because you’re a whiner.“

“@Luke__Skywalker BTW BTW, Twitter won’t let me see any @Zyxst replies of people I don’t follow.“

And yes, I know I`ve gone off on rants about people blogging about what they said on Twitter. What I`m doing is explaining myself in a clearer manner than 140 characters. BTW, my keyboard just went whonky again. The ` is a singly quote mark. Time to reboot the compute me thinks.

ION, this guy hasn`t updated his blog since he got such coverage in The Scope. So much for being a holy warrior on a quest to eliminate the word Newfie from the Canadian language. All I have to say is this guy IS a stupid Newfie.

Another thing – I`m creeped out by the `lifecasting` from Hal of Peep Diaries. Not that he`s ugly or anything, but he`s no longer able to provide an objective view point of peep culture. TBH, I don`t enjoy watching people `lifecast`. I`d rather watch the German apartment renter who hooked up his light fixtures so anyone who comes to his website can turn them off or on.

Lastly, I found out where the é symbol appears on my keyboard. It takes the place of the forward slash key.

I am officially a permanent resident of Canada.

It’s been 5 long, tedious years since my first application was sent in. What held it up for so long is that I have a shoplifting charge on my criminal record. Citizenship and Immigration Canada (CIC) decided I was “rehabilitated” and granted my change of status. Now I have to wait another 6-8 weeks for my card to arrive from Nova Scotia. I feel like Calvin waiting for his propellor beanie. The card renews like a driver’s license though every 5 years.

The up sides of this are:

- eligible for provincial insurance (MCP)

- can apply for a social insurance number (SIN, so-so security of Canada)

- can apply for work (provided I have a SIN)

The down side is:

- can’t become Premier and take over the world

The first hitch was getting 2 immigration type photos this morning. The photo shop wouldn’t let me wear my glasses because of the light glare off the lenses. WTF? You people use digital cameras and computers; you can edit out the glare! It was okay though, according to the woman at the CIC office. The second hitch is the MIL nagging me/us to get my MCP card NAO! The meeting between us and the CIC rep took 45 minutes. I had to sign some things and that. I got a few questions answered and it was a good experience. The chairs in the waiting room were large and roomy.

Empath and I went out the East Side Mario’s to splurge on pasta. Neither of us ate until then due to nerves. He had the lasagna and I had penne. It was fucking delicious! Our desserts were 2 small Blizzards from DQ (me Georgia mudfudge, he Tiin Roof).

The biggest good news in our household is the return of Mechwarrior computer games. Empath is in seventh heaven. Mechwarrior and BattleTech games have been part of his life since their inception. I’m hoping the “coming soon” tags on the preview videos actually mean “soon” and not years. This Chrismas would be “soon”,  2010 is “later”. I’m excited at the prospect of being able to see The Unseen mechs.

Other than that, I don’t have much else to say. Life is pretty boring atm.

EDIT: While reading this post for spelling errors, I noticed my blog doesn’t show any of my links. I published this and went looking for a template that would show them. Unfortunately, the pin-up picture of a brunette smoking won’t show up, so I have to choose between it and showing links.

Saturday, Empath took me to First Choice for a clean-up on my hair. It’s super shot now (1 inch long) and I like it. It seemed my hair quit growing this year. I’ve been trying to grow it to the middle of my back for over a year and it never went beyond my shoulders. Though the short hair truly makes my lack of jawline and neck stand out more, it saves money on shampoo.

I haven’t heard anymore from B about her sitch. I think she’s at her aunt’s this week. I am thinking of suggesting to her about coming to Canada for college.

Over the weekend, we watched 3 movies: My Name Is Bruce, Hellboy 2 and Mirrors. All were good, especially MNIB which I’d buy if I see it on dvd.

Michael Jackson’s tribute/memorial thing is tonight/today. I’d like to point out a little thing that’s bugging me about the newscasters covering this. It’s called Staples Center, no The.

Now that I have 2 P2P accounts on RS, it’s difficult for me to play Kitt because all she has is grinding levels. Her current goals are to get her 6 hated skills up to 90 from 84/85. So playing her is a bit of a drag since I want to get those done before doing fun things. The other account, Men Shen, I’m trying my hardest to only play on the weekends so the fun doesn’t go away quickly. Men has new quests, new places to see and new skills to grind.

EDIT: I’m trading in my bras for camisoles. It’s not as though my tits will sag anymore.

Had a massive breakdown while taking a shower. I hurt so bad because I can’t help my daughter. I have no place to send her, no family where she can stay for a while  – the summer – t o get away from her dad. We don’t have money to fly/drive down and the government won’t let us bring her up here to live – I had to sign papers giving up any right i had to rasie B in Canada – no money to fly her up here. I lost it. I nearly drown with all the snot gagging me.

My baby is hurt and I can’t fix it!

It’s my fault she like this. I left her with him when she was a year and a hlaf because I had no money, home, job to take care of her. I knew it was a mistake then, knew it would bite me in the ass in the future and it has. He’s driving B to do something drastic, be it run away or suicide. He doesn’t see how much pain she’s in, how much he hurts her, how he’s convinced her she’s a worthless slug who can’t fend for herself. I should know.

He did it to me.

I’m selfish for leaving to be with Empath. I ran away from my responsibilities to find a shred of happiness before I killed myself.

It’s damned hard to remind myself that I need to stay alive to help B. I want to die, toeascape from all this pain. It’s the short answer for me, but I can put myself in other people’s shows and understand how they would feel with my death. Empath would crumble; fade away. B, I don’t know, maybe give up on herself like I did.

During times like now, I sometimes will hurt myself. It sounds fucking dumb to anyone who doesn’t do it, I know. I do it to bring out the emotional pain into a physical  manifestation that can heal. This time, I chopped off al my hair. Most of it anyway. It was past my shoulders just and I hacked it off after the shower (dumb yeah? do it before; I will remember for next time). I did it and this boulder weighing my heart and soul down lifted. I still feel guilt about B, but it’s sort of distanced itself, you know?

I just can’t see why I should have things or be happy when my kid is in such emotional pain. I’m not going to eat today either because I don’t deserve food. It’s a punishment for my part in this whole debacle. I’m a horrible mom and this is what I reaped.

I know the spelling is bad but i need to get this out before i could hide it again underneath a pile of bullshit escapism.

My insides are coming to terms with B’s death if/when she does it.I will call her everyday and listen. It’s all I can do and I want to die because I can’t do more.

My ex called me last night. Our daughter is rebelling big time and he’s super concerned about how it’s going to affect her life.

His side of the story: Our daughter is forgoing everything in favor of reading fan fiction on the internet. She lies about where she is and when she’s coming home. This messed up her schoolwork, so she’s banned from using a school computer and resorts to either the public library or university. He’s certain this is a serious addiction and he’s at the end of his rope. Last night she said she wasn’t coming home.

Her side of the story: I haven’t talked to her yet. I left a message on the machine in case she was home while he was at work, but either she wasn’t or didn’t want to talk to me. I’m going to try again in a few to try to catch her.

It’s up to me to sort this out. I never did this stuff because my folks were very lax on me because I didn’t do anything to piss them off. I’m scared she blames me for not being there (true) and something more serious is going to happen to her (runaway, drugs, whoring, jail). I’m so uptight over talking to her, I’ve eaten all the cake and snacks in the house. I even made Empath take me to Tim’s for doughnuts and ate all of those, too.

EDIT: Left another message.